Wednesday, October 9, 2013
BABY SLEEP | Sleepy Baby Car Ride
I sort of feel drowsy typing this..... Look at this kid, crashed out (after a soda and pizza fix maybe?) :)
Enjoy!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
A Poem told on a Picture, the rest is Yours-
I have found that with the wonderousness and complexity that as human beings, I guess we can make our own decisions as adults, but what would keep me awake at night was that people do it intently. Asking for what you need, but when it's basics, no is not ever acceptable.
But with the point? I disagree with use of the McGill because-
- it compares an individual with another-we all have even from a medical standpoint we all are about ready to understand no two patients are identical-even identical twins, sharing identical DNA can turn out as differently as night and day.
- And given that I've got a friends with MCTD (Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, similar to Lupus-it's a rheumatological disorder that has symptoms of varying disorders, but not to be diagnostic of each of the four main ones), scleroderma (another rare disorder, but the less virulent form: but is dished out her own share of pain when that comes to play, as her tissues harden?
What however, I have found to be the cause of the most pain in my life?
It can be the choices, the actions, and however intentional, or however un-intentional: people can cause a fair amount of pain, a lot of their own, and more than a fair share of pain for others.
Living with it daily is nothing I would wish another person to have.
And making a diagnosis an identity? Always a mistake.
As is advertising that you live with it at times, but you find out who your friends are.
Being the patient of a teaching hospital is beneficial. You ask them to read something? They do.
Monday, May 13, 2013
God Does Just that
There are many days,
seemingly more nights,
and when you're wanting
one simple night's reprieve.
One never shows,
An occasional promise
someday it will improve,
you draw up a blanket,
trying just to wrap a cold limb,
ease a spot that hurts more than any other,
One that helps you feel at least more
like a human being you swore no matter what
it was you lost-one thing you would
always hold onto for life, and as soon as it
was gone, you prayed you would
soon follow-or be in a place by then
that no matter what it would do to
this broken body, you would find one thing
maybe more....
The sweating, the swelling,
chills, and the normal aches and pains
as our body ages, you home becomes
so much more than a home-it's a safety zone.
Inside your body, a firey war zone,
one no doctor wants to take on,
much less take care of,
but even a kindness, a decency of showing
one some humanity, some decency of
perhaps going the distance,
remembering that not all are those that
have much more than a nickel or two,
two to rub if we are lucky.
The world has such low tolerance for what is different
the doctors we seek answers from
have none, and medicines we take,
the body never feels the same-you lose a bit each day,
only if you let it, but for me,
that is not physical, I know of no cure,
just one question, two perhaps.
After almost what, 200 years?
When is an honest, true and sincere effort
going to be made?
And when are people going to stop
touting cures through my inbox.
Okay, three-when are people going to cut
the grief I take for my own?
We are all human beings,
fighting a painful disorder,
creating disorder amongst ourselves,
contests to discuss who suffers more,
how "some psycho" shows up to in some way
"prey" on another who is too sick from
their own RSD to defend themselves...
Me, I am sick most days, so
I fail to see how so many times
people can find the time to discuss another
in such a painful way, as I see
we all have opportunities,
ones to help someone in pain,
whether or not they have RSD:
Does it matter?
Everyone suffers in one way or another,
and from a ghost, a demon in the night,
monsters under the bed, panic
and anxiety-even emotionally impaired
I think we ought to give a rating on McGill,
I think of no greater way to suffer,
and know no greater way to hurt,
than to strike back at someone who is hurting...
Worse yet, someone you know is hurting?
I guess I see little use for that,
about as much as comparing who
feels worse than the rest:
What happened to gathering
to ask things like, "Where do I find
clothes I find acceptable in children's
sizes, that I don't look like a child?
Or laughing away the hurts,
praying for strength for another day.
One question burned forever in my brain:
"When am I going to have my life as my own again?"
When is it no more appointments,
doctors, procedures, lab draws, therapies,
medication bottles that have little hope of working
lining the shelves, as you dispose of ones no longer being taken,
what is left still looks like a mess to so many,
and even to me, it feels so toxic.
One thing I never will pray to understand is how
To stab at one with using words,
we all know that words hurt worse..
The reason is quite simple.
Sometimes things don't change.
As this world of mine continues to shrink,
God, help me to make it just a bit bigger,
if even only for me. For me, God does Just That.
seemingly more nights,
and when you're wanting
one simple night's reprieve.
One never shows,
An occasional promise
someday it will improve,
you draw up a blanket,
trying just to wrap a cold limb,
ease a spot that hurts more than any other,
One that helps you feel at least more
like a human being you swore no matter what
it was you lost-one thing you would
always hold onto for life, and as soon as it
was gone, you prayed you would
soon follow-or be in a place by then
that no matter what it would do to
this broken body, you would find one thing
maybe more....
The sweating, the swelling,
chills, and the normal aches and pains
as our body ages, you home becomes
so much more than a home-it's a safety zone.
Inside your body, a firey war zone,
one no doctor wants to take on,
much less take care of,
but even a kindness, a decency of showing
one some humanity, some decency of
perhaps going the distance,
remembering that not all are those that
have much more than a nickel or two,
two to rub if we are lucky.
The world has such low tolerance for what is different
the doctors we seek answers from
have none, and medicines we take,
the body never feels the same-you lose a bit each day,
only if you let it, but for me,
that is not physical, I know of no cure,
just one question, two perhaps.
After almost what, 200 years?
When is an honest, true and sincere effort
going to be made?
And when are people going to stop
touting cures through my inbox.
Okay, three-when are people going to cut
the grief I take for my own?
We are all human beings,
fighting a painful disorder,
creating disorder amongst ourselves,
contests to discuss who suffers more,
how "some psycho" shows up to in some way
"prey" on another who is too sick from
their own RSD to defend themselves...
Me, I am sick most days, so
I fail to see how so many times
people can find the time to discuss another
in such a painful way, as I see
we all have opportunities,
ones to help someone in pain,
whether or not they have RSD:
Does it matter?
Everyone suffers in one way or another,
and from a ghost, a demon in the night,
monsters under the bed, panic
and anxiety-even emotionally impaired
I think we ought to give a rating on McGill,
I think of no greater way to suffer,
and know no greater way to hurt,
than to strike back at someone who is hurting...
Worse yet, someone you know is hurting?
I guess I see little use for that,
about as much as comparing who
feels worse than the rest:
What happened to gathering
to ask things like, "Where do I find
clothes I find acceptable in children's
sizes, that I don't look like a child?
Or laughing away the hurts,
praying for strength for another day.
One question burned forever in my brain:
"When am I going to have my life as my own again?"
When is it no more appointments,
doctors, procedures, lab draws, therapies,
medication bottles that have little hope of working
lining the shelves, as you dispose of ones no longer being taken,
what is left still looks like a mess to so many,
and even to me, it feels so toxic.
One thing I never will pray to understand is how
To stab at one with using words,
we all know that words hurt worse..
The reason is quite simple.
Sometimes things don't change.
As this world of mine continues to shrink,
God, help me to make it just a bit bigger,
if even only for me. For me, God does Just That.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Maybe to Think, but when do we Heal?
When pain is a constant; be it physical or otherwise, it becomes impossible to just sit with it.
I guess that was why I failed to see much value in it when reading in the early 1990's the work of Marcia Linehan. Sure the innate value of having something to do that is constructive as opposed to de-structive, is certainaly of value. Simplel distraction is easy to do if it is physical pain, believe it or not: to the degree when able to concentrate. However, when not able to concentrate, then no, you take what you have to, treat to a degree. But obliterating pain actually serves a counterproductive nature. Sure, joking about things, that is one thing, and my own humor can be hard to tell the difference, but being mostly a loner and preferring it, I guess I never saw the purpose in how pleasing everyone but myself produced much happiness in my own life.
Marcia Linehan's work can certainly benefit those incapable of getting to the root of what causes their behavior and making some changes?
That is the hard part. Where work is involved, change happens, which can be painful. As someone once said to me, "When a person feels pain they innately move away, much like the burner of a hot stove-certainly that made sense-and some who are able can move through it, and make the changes, and growth can happen." That I see as a beautiful thing.
So is knowing the difference. But I am of one that getting to the root of the problem that causes a person-borderline personality disorder was her initial area of study but unfortunately I feel the value of her work was actually lessened by the overdiagnosis of the disorder.
Soon one agency I know of and with no doubt others certainly had to have followed suit. And they one by one diagnosed almost every female, and an inordinate number of males, since this is a diagnosis of primarily young women-at least upon initial diagnosis. Treatment is only in small part intended to be pharmacologic, though many come to rely upon the use of psychiatric medication much I feel the same way modern psychiatry relies upon some very damaging and only in part can one recover from the labels given out by some "modern" psychiatrists.
As a child of the late 1970s and mostly the 1980s though my own life required I grow up and do it fast, I was fine and happy to do it. I guess acting like a child was not always seen by me as an opportunity. Now why the good work of psychiatry of the 1980s was abandoned, I guess I will never know: what was necessary to chase away the intolerable deamons was simply given: Tegretol, Lithium, or what have you-but it was combined with therapy because very few medicines if any were meant to be on for a lifetime. They cause damage to a person's body eventually by changing the way it works normally. If one can be found that does not? Great. Show me one.
I availed myself of some of her work, noted things that helped me get by-but if I could take hindsight and make it the present? I would have stuck to what had worked for me before the events of June 1994.
But some things, I have recently come to conclude you allow others who can handle remembering daily and let them have it. Others, like myself, I think perhaps I am best off remembering when I am ready-and does it matter if we are not destroying ourselves in the process? I don't think I really do. When one person comes along and forces a memory and then puts the person, unknowingly at first maybe, but after a time, it seems that a person as an adult even at the time, though young, I already had much going for me, even a career-though one that did not last because I honestly feel that it one, wasn't the one I wanted to begin with, but for another reason, I was stuck in a point unable to move on, but unable to move period.
I think what I hid from was something else I can't change. Not the past-no one, not God, or anyone can change that.
I have a feeling that in my own young mind at the time, it was what I was atttempting to do. The actions of another? Showed clearly they felt otherwise. That it had to be mental pain I was covering, and when passing judgement on the actions of another, maybe an honest conversation ought to take place before anyone decided upon your fate-especially one that can potentially get one caught reliving a nightmare and the worst day of their lives and the worst thing they have ever seen: the actions of the truly evil lived out in front of them. In allowing my own heart to heal, I have found that in prayer mostly and in journal the majority there was little need to really lay it at the feet of another. And I think many lives would have gone unchanged had it been allowed to die that day, and the memories of those able, to carry out what happened. My own was not meant to and I think in knowing that, I went to the accountability I felt ought to have taken place, allowed for that process to happen, and fought to move on.
Again, presence of others, it pretty much would not allow for it, and my own failing health was the reason my career, and maybe that I wasn't as cut out for it as I thought. Caring for others, it does not have to be done physically, it can be done in many ways. Each of us does something each day I think that shows we love and care for others. If it is allowed to be seen that way.
When it becomes destructive to others, or perpetuates a pattern of behavior in other people that damages their lives, then no, that is why laws and rules, both written and unwritten say that "folks, time to cut the crap." And sometimes when a person puts an excuse above all else to continue something, then no: you do what your part is to stop it. If you have no part in it to begin with, and are uncertain? Generally when someone is not being protected by others, then give them enough "rope" and they will do the fine job themselves.
When others feel enough of a need to protect what they do: well, then they both will give themselves enough rope, and it will be up to someone else. This person is too tired to play cop on the lives of others. And has seen enough pain that the actions of others, and even the destructive actions of myself to really want a part in it. I keep my distance, and well, I may share beliefs in one way or another. For those who care to take part in it.
And I pay a very high price for it as well.
I guess that was why I failed to see much value in it when reading in the early 1990's the work of Marcia Linehan. Sure the innate value of having something to do that is constructive as opposed to de-structive, is certainaly of value. Simplel distraction is easy to do if it is physical pain, believe it or not: to the degree when able to concentrate. However, when not able to concentrate, then no, you take what you have to, treat to a degree. But obliterating pain actually serves a counterproductive nature. Sure, joking about things, that is one thing, and my own humor can be hard to tell the difference, but being mostly a loner and preferring it, I guess I never saw the purpose in how pleasing everyone but myself produced much happiness in my own life.
Marcia Linehan's work can certainly benefit those incapable of getting to the root of what causes their behavior and making some changes?
That is the hard part. Where work is involved, change happens, which can be painful. As someone once said to me, "When a person feels pain they innately move away, much like the burner of a hot stove-certainly that made sense-and some who are able can move through it, and make the changes, and growth can happen." That I see as a beautiful thing.
So is knowing the difference. But I am of one that getting to the root of the problem that causes a person-borderline personality disorder was her initial area of study but unfortunately I feel the value of her work was actually lessened by the overdiagnosis of the disorder.
Soon one agency I know of and with no doubt others certainly had to have followed suit. And they one by one diagnosed almost every female, and an inordinate number of males, since this is a diagnosis of primarily young women-at least upon initial diagnosis. Treatment is only in small part intended to be pharmacologic, though many come to rely upon the use of psychiatric medication much I feel the same way modern psychiatry relies upon some very damaging and only in part can one recover from the labels given out by some "modern" psychiatrists.
As a child of the late 1970s and mostly the 1980s though my own life required I grow up and do it fast, I was fine and happy to do it. I guess acting like a child was not always seen by me as an opportunity. Now why the good work of psychiatry of the 1980s was abandoned, I guess I will never know: what was necessary to chase away the intolerable deamons was simply given: Tegretol, Lithium, or what have you-but it was combined with therapy because very few medicines if any were meant to be on for a lifetime. They cause damage to a person's body eventually by changing the way it works normally. If one can be found that does not? Great. Show me one.
I availed myself of some of her work, noted things that helped me get by-but if I could take hindsight and make it the present? I would have stuck to what had worked for me before the events of June 1994.
But some things, I have recently come to conclude you allow others who can handle remembering daily and let them have it. Others, like myself, I think perhaps I am best off remembering when I am ready-and does it matter if we are not destroying ourselves in the process? I don't think I really do. When one person comes along and forces a memory and then puts the person, unknowingly at first maybe, but after a time, it seems that a person as an adult even at the time, though young, I already had much going for me, even a career-though one that did not last because I honestly feel that it one, wasn't the one I wanted to begin with, but for another reason, I was stuck in a point unable to move on, but unable to move period.
I think what I hid from was something else I can't change. Not the past-no one, not God, or anyone can change that.
I have a feeling that in my own young mind at the time, it was what I was atttempting to do. The actions of another? Showed clearly they felt otherwise. That it had to be mental pain I was covering, and when passing judgement on the actions of another, maybe an honest conversation ought to take place before anyone decided upon your fate-especially one that can potentially get one caught reliving a nightmare and the worst day of their lives and the worst thing they have ever seen: the actions of the truly evil lived out in front of them. In allowing my own heart to heal, I have found that in prayer mostly and in journal the majority there was little need to really lay it at the feet of another. And I think many lives would have gone unchanged had it been allowed to die that day, and the memories of those able, to carry out what happened. My own was not meant to and I think in knowing that, I went to the accountability I felt ought to have taken place, allowed for that process to happen, and fought to move on.
Again, presence of others, it pretty much would not allow for it, and my own failing health was the reason my career, and maybe that I wasn't as cut out for it as I thought. Caring for others, it does not have to be done physically, it can be done in many ways. Each of us does something each day I think that shows we love and care for others. If it is allowed to be seen that way.
When it becomes destructive to others, or perpetuates a pattern of behavior in other people that damages their lives, then no, that is why laws and rules, both written and unwritten say that "folks, time to cut the crap." And sometimes when a person puts an excuse above all else to continue something, then no: you do what your part is to stop it. If you have no part in it to begin with, and are uncertain? Generally when someone is not being protected by others, then give them enough "rope" and they will do the fine job themselves.
When others feel enough of a need to protect what they do: well, then they both will give themselves enough rope, and it will be up to someone else. This person is too tired to play cop on the lives of others. And has seen enough pain that the actions of others, and even the destructive actions of myself to really want a part in it. I keep my distance, and well, I may share beliefs in one way or another. For those who care to take part in it.
And I pay a very high price for it as well.
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